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Passive-aggressive People

Passive-aggressive behavior

People with passive-aggressive personalities typically come across as quiet and shy. Additionally, you'll notice they're always nice, never defend themselves, and don't assert themselves.

You can also recognize passive-aggressive people by other common behaviors:

• talking about others, in a harmful way, behind their backs
• playing dumb to either frustrate others or gain some type of advantage
• not taking responsibility for their actions, and
• rarely saying what they really mean

Passive-aggressive personality types want to be understood as nice, agreeable, and helpful, and they work very hard to project this image. The key to the behavior of passive-aggressive people is their inability to be assertive. This means they say "yes" when they want to say "no." They commit to work or tasks they don't want to do.

Passive-aggressive people are full of anger and fear. Unable to say "no," they end up doing things they don't want to and feel resentful about it. They sabotage work efforts and avoid fulfilling commitments they've made, all while maintaining a facade of pleasantness. Experience has taught them that this is how to deal with their unexpressed fear and anger. Passive-aggressive behavior may manifest as missed deadlines, broken promises, poorly done work, the silent treatment, and the use of excuses to justify actions.

Based on their typical behavior, passive-aggressive individuals generally fall into one of three categories:

• knowledge warden – A knowledge warden will make excuses that you can't reasonably counter without looking insensitive or unreasonable, and then they'll withhold the information you need to do your job.
• unresponsive aggressor – Unresponsive aggressors may hesitate when asked a question. As they hesitate, you may move on or make a decision without them. This is a stall tactic that is intended to frustrate or impede efficient, productive work.
• waffler – The waffler hates to make decisions, always wants to be on the winning side, and desperately wants the approval of others. The waffler will do whatever it takes to avoid making a commitment. This is a clever way to impede work or exert control over a situation.

Handling passive-aggressive behavior

Handling passive-aggressive behavior is tricky. In fact, the best way to handle it is to not react at all. Passive-aggressive individuals are trying to get a reaction out of you. If they can upset you, all the better. This is the only way they know how to interact. If you don't react, the passive-aggressive behavior will typically stop – for the time being, anyway. When you don't react as expected, the passive-aggressive individual won't know what to do.

Passive-aggressive individuals are usually unaware of their behavior, which is why you really can't do anything to change it. However, assertiveness training has been shown to be an effective way of encouraging passive-aggressive people to learn better ways of interacting with others. Learning how to say "no" – and knowing that it's OK to do so – gives the passive-aggressive person an alternative to always saying "yes" and then being angry about it.

You can use three steps to help you handle passive-aggressive behavior in the workplace:

1. start documentation – Document when and what you asked the passive-aggressive individual to do. This way, if things go wrong because of a passive-aggressive person's failure to do the job, you can prove that it wasn't your fault.
2. confront the individual about specific incidents – Just state what happened and its impact, don't get personal and attack the person's character or personality. Keep your focus on the incident itself.
3. provide positive reinforcement – Positive reinforcement is given only when passive-aggressive individuals do what was asked and expected of them. Show appreciation for the work they've done by telling them how helpful they were, and the positive impact it had.

Everyone likes to be acknowledged and appreciated for the work they do. For passive-aggressive individuals, it's a chance to see that contributing can bring positive rewards, and it show them a different way to interact. The payoff for you is that you build a relationship where you can rely on this individual to do what you ask, allowing you to do your own job more efficiently and productively.

If you've tried these steps and been unsuccessful in getting the passive-aggressive person's cooperation, you have a few more options you can try:

• use leverage – Your documentation will be useful. Reminding the passive-aggressive individual of the commitment she made can prompt her to do the work. You can also try reminding her that one day, she may need your help.
• get support from your coworkers – Your coworkers are likely to have knowledge that can help you deal with the passive-aggressive individual, so get support from them. There's also power in numbers. If you and your coworkers unite, you may be able to convince your supervisor that the negative impact of the passive-aggressive individual's behavior is significant and needs to be dealt with.
• get help from your supervisor – Express how the individual's behavior is negatively impacting your productivity, and ask for advice on how to handle the situation. If you choose to approach your supervisor, make sure you're prepared with facts and specific examples. Again, your documentation will prove useful.

Passive-aggressive behavior is difficult to handle because it's subtle. Passive-aggressive individuals seem pleasant and helpful, but are often angry and fearful. They also can't say "no," which means they say "yes" when they don't really want to. This creates resentment in passive-aggressive people. To cope and regain a sense of power and control, they purposely inhibit productive, efficient work.

To build a more positive relationship with passive-aggressive types, follow these steps: start documentation, confront the individual on specific incidents, and provide positive reinforcement

If you try this, and are unsuccessful in getting the passive-aggressive person's cooperation you can try using whatever leverage you have and getting support from your coworkers or supervisor.